


Shatter my Heart into a Million Pieces

by Lunamoon1029



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Depressed Crowley (Good Omens), Fluff and Angst, God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Scared Crowley (Good Omens), Scene: St James's Park 1862 (Good Omens), Worried Aziraphale (Good Omens), lonely crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21997780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunamoon1029/pseuds/Lunamoon1029
Summary: What happens when Aziraphale's fears are justified. When Crowley was asking for holy water, he did not mean to use it for "insurance". When Crowley is so lonely and he truly believes him and Aziraphale can never be true friends, or anything more. When he believes he has no one.What happens when Crowley is too tired to go on... What happens when Crowley believes it is better without him on Earth.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 163





	Shatter my Heart into a Million Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, so let's hope this doesn't go down like a lint balloon. I hope you enjoy!

Crowley knew what he was doing. Let's start with that. He stood in ST. James Park where he had told Aziraphale to meet him a few days prior. It was the summer of 1862, the water glistened and reflected off of Crowley's glasses as the sun was slowly setting afar. Quick but careful footsteps could be heard behind Crowley as he breathed out a sigh, the angel was here. 

He felt that pit in his stomach twist and the hole in his chest feel somewhat full as he saw the beach blonde male take off his hat and begin feeding the birds with a warm smile. Crowley was starting to rethink his actions, or his future actions as a feeling he could only describe as guilt, overflowed his metaphorical soul. No, he must stay focused, he came here for one reason and one reason only, to get the- 

"So, I've been thinking... what if it all goes wrong?" 

'Shit. Shit! Shit!!!' Crowley thought, his mouth was ahead of his brain, 'be careful...' he mustn't lead the angel to suspect anything from him. Aziraphale shifted, throwing more bread towards the ducks, his smile faltering as he turned his body a little more towards the demon before him. 

"I need a favor." Crowley breathed out, careful not to sound too tired, though it would mirror what he was feeling at this exact second. 

"We already have the arrangement, Crowley, stay out of each other's way... lend a hand when needed..." Aziraphale trailed off after a while, finally looking at the demon he was conversing with. He felt his eyes begin to start wandering as his face felt just a little warmer and his heartbeat went just a little faster, 'nervousness...' he thought, though he did not understand why he was nervous... hence why it wasn't nervousness. 

"This is something else." He handed Aziraphale the note with his desired product. "I wrote it down... you never know who could be listening." 

Aziraphale opened up the paper to find 'Holy Water' written in the demon's unique handwriting. "WHAT! No! Out of the question! I'm not going to bring you a suicide pill Crowle-" 

"Not what I need it for!" Exactly what he needs it for. "Look, if hell were ever to find out I'd been... fraternizing with an angel, they wouldn't hesitate to kill me... I just want insurance." He felt the word slip out, it wasn't a very nice word but it was the only word that would describe their meetings for the past couple thousand years. 

In truth, Aziraphale understood why Crowley would need Holy Water, but something in him told him to object. Crowley was smart and intelligent... and if he thought they would finally be found out, it was about time they had to set some safety measures... and possibly stop meeting. A pang rang out through his heart at the thought of not seeing him again... the reason why was out of Aziraphale's comprehension at the moment. 

"I suppose..." Aziraphale was not feeling great. He felt deplorable, to say the least. Meanwhile, Crowley was groveling on the inside, fairly thankful that he possessed sunglasses to hide the amount of hate he had as he stared at his reflection in the water. He was lying to the one person who had never lied to him in his life! Even his own mother had abandoned him... and here he was being a demon, the demon that he had always hated and the demon everyone had expected him to be. After all, it was the reason he fell right? Because he was unforgivable and he was so tired. Tired of having to obey hell and hide and follow orders, GOD he hated following orders, and he was so tired. 

"Well then...?" Crowley hummed, his hands twitching as he held onto the railing. A small 'woosh' sounded and there, in a jar like container stared back at him. Aziraphale looked around and then handed the strange thermos to the demon in question.

"Be careful Crowley, this won't just discorporate you, it can destroy you completely!" Crowley just stared at the container and nodded.

"Yes, I know... thank you, angel." The angel just hummed in response, looking like a child who was caught, having his hands in the cookie jar. 

"Are we... going to meet again after this?" Crowley felt his eye twitch.

"Don't think so angel. Too dangerous." He had stopped formulating sentences when he thought of what he was going to do when he got home, should he write a suicide letter... no. That's for people who have regrets... people that care about them, he had no one, after all, he was a demon. He deserved no one to hang on to. 

As for Aziraphale, he felt an empty dread in the pit of his gut. An 'oh.' was all that he could manage to say for a while. They had been sitting in silence for the past couple of minutes. Finally, Crowley cleared up his throat. 

"Well, that's it. Thanks again. You won't see me so don't look for me, just to be safe. Don't want ya to get in trouble." Aziraphale nodded.

"Yes yes, I do believe I should be heading back now." And with that, Aziraphale turned around and called for a carriage, leaving Crowley to watch the bottle that he held with great caution. He had stood there for a few minutes before sighing and miracle the bottle to be in his establishment before he got there. He thought that a nice serene ride before his death would be nice, Afterall, the earth was about the best thing he ever had, aside from Aziraphale. 

Meanwhile, Aziraphale felt queasy. He had been staying in his old bookshop, where he had been for about 100 years. Quickly getting off the carriage, he went inside and sat in his favorite chair near a couple of piles of his favorite books. His stomach was doing somersaults and his eyes burned just a bit. What was wrong with his vessel? Maybe he had been on Earth for far too long. He picked up one of his favorite books, Hamlet! 

As he was reading, he couldn't help but allow his mind to wander, particularly, thoughts of Crowley seemed to haunt his mind this evening. What might've scared him so much to tell him that they could no longer meet? The more he thought, the more it didn't make sense, wasn't it him that assured him that things wouldn't go wrong? Even then, not even his superiors had suspected him of fraternizing with a demon. If the more vigilant party of the two had not noticed, why would he ask for such a thing? 

A slow, burning dread started to fill the angel as his eyes grew wide... could it be? No, Crowley wouldn't... right? There was still so much he didn't know about the demon, what if he truly wanted to... "Oh, oh dear." Aziraphale breathed out as he stood abruptly, placing his book on the new nightstand he got back in 1800 from a lovely carpenter who he considered a friend until he sadly passed in 1816. 

Aziraphale headed towards a small drawer where he kept all of Crowley's letters. He shuffled through them in a frenzy, trying to find the demon's location. He eventually did find it, in one of his black letters, they were all starting to come in black nowadays. They used to be white with a snake stamp as the seal, then they turned red with a white stamp, and now they are black with red stamps. Somehow, this worried him a little further. 

Taking the letter out of its containment, he read it over, finding the location and discovering that the demon in question resided a couple of blocks away. He had decided to walk there, it would take 25 to 30 minutes after all, and there was no need to waste a driver's time if they had to be elsewhere or other people were needing a ride to longer distances. His sapphire blue eyes gazed at the door, then finally strutted towards it, grabbing his coat and walking out the door. 

Crowley was almost home. He had tempted the driver to take the longer route in order to obtain more money off of Crowley's pickup and dropoff. Crowley would've smirked at the man for being so greedy but at this point, he didn't really feel like doing anything. Staring out the window, his face was one of loss. His eyes, which were hidden behind his sunglasses seemed to dull. How horribly vindictive eternity was. Knowing he couldn't die unless one of the angels were out to get him or he managed to do it himself. 

His mind continued to wander, rethinking his life choices, mainly focusing on the fact that he was fallen. He was sinful, dirty, raw, and unforgivable. For what, he couldn't quite remember anymore, but he could remember the seething hot fire that turned his fragile, white wings to charcoal black. An archangel, one who was supposed to protect her creations was now assigned to destroy them. He thought back to his old name, Raphael. He thought back to when he first saw Aziraphale, a ray of sunshine so bright that it caught his eyes up in heaven, just like it did on Earth. 

He was a principality, someone who was technically superior to his archangel rank, but thanks to Gabriel's leadership, it made Archangels appear far greater than what they were supposed to be. He possessed such raw kindness that it made Raphael question his own kindness towards the creations he was supposed to be protecting. He was in his office when Lucifer had walked in, one of his very high superiors at the time, now he is his king. He was a Seraphim, a direct link to the lord. He bowed slightly towards him as Lucifer began to speak.

"I have to speak with you, brother." Well, that was a first. Raphael would've thought that the superiors would have more of a 'holier than thou' feel to them but it seems that Lucifer was much more understanding. That was Raphael's first mistake. Pure ignorance and belief that heaven was starting to become like the angel he had seen so many times from afar, like Azira- 

Crowley felt a liquidy substance land on his hand, that perched his chin near the window. It was blood red and he had such a horrible migraine that almost motivated him even more to just end it then and there. He sighed, forcing his jaw to unhinge from its tight position. He wiped the red dot on his pant leg as the carriage came to a halt. 

"Thank you, good sir." He stated monotonously. He was far too _tired_ to put any effort into how he sounded. After all, he did enough of that with Aziraphale didn't he? He handed the currency over to the driver and stepped out to his establishment, feeling the weight of the bottle shift as he moved. The movement of such a dangerous liquid, filled Crowley with a sort of dread before an overwhelming sensation of despair that made him physically pause in the busy streets in London. He was really going through with this. 

Aziraphale was halfway there, the overwhelming worry and anxiety were starting to get to him as his strides became more fast-paced and larger. His arms went from being behind his back to swaying lightly at his sides. He still looked somewhat graceful even though his panicked expression was clear enough for everyone to see. Though the people of London did not understand this man's hurry, they felt the sudden urge to part ways for him which was partially due to Aziraphale's influence. Poor Aziraphale couldn't help it. Crowley could be in severe danger and it was all his fault! 

His heart quenched at the thought. If he saw a puddle of water anywhere near the demon's establishment, he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat. The overwhelming anxiety almost caused the poor angel to weep, which would be no good for anyone involved. After all, Angel's tears, if fallen on anyone, could cause the recipient to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness that could leave someone bedridden for days. The only good thing would be that the person's life would change into one of a saint and they would surely go to heaven. Of course, that is also not the point of heaven. 'You must earn your place there' Aziraphale thought as he sucked up the burning in his blue eyes. He was almost there, just a few more minutes. 

Crowley had entered his humble home by now. Plagued by his _exhaustion,_ Crowley had decided that he was due for a glass of cold water which he miracle into existence, but the shifting of the Holy Waters thermos that felt like it was going to fall all over the floor had caused Crowley to drop the glass on the floor, making it shatter into a million pieces. Crowley grabbed the container in a hurry and went to his living room, placing it on the table where he had a king's throne that he sat on, even though it was an antique. 

He collapsed and dug his hands in his short hair, profusely cussing before more red streaks had flown down his face. He was so god awfully _tired_ that he broke down then and there. He sobbed, all his anger, sadness and fear all cradled into one huge weeping scene. Finally, when it was almost done, he felt nothing. The bottomless pit of nothing that drove him to this in the first place. It was so soul-consuming and painful, the overflow of emotions was better than this horrible **nothing.**

He thought it was about time that he executed his plans. He had already said bye to Azirahale in the most heartless way possible, he'd be best without him. He arose from his seat and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the shelf. Might as well mix the mixture with something that'll burn his throat just as bad as it would burn him on the inside. No one is going to miss him when he's gone, after all, a personal temptation won't kill him like the liquid on the table would. 

Crowley brought the mixture to his lips. 

Aziraphale was there, outside the door and as he was about to knock, he heard the glass shatter. His body froze, his celestial blood running cold. He teleported himself inside the establishment, vaguely caring that it would go down as a miracle upstairs. His heart was beating fast and there, he saw it. The shattered glass with water all over the floor. He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces right then and there. Crowley, the man who had dined with him at any given moment. The man who created the arrangement to save him some trouble. The man who made his heart swell with excitement... the demon who found him in the garden of Eden. 

Aziraphale cried, his knees buckling from the weight of his soul. Would he have to remain another millennium alone, with no one who shares his burden? He was his best friend and Aziraphale could do nothing to save him, instead, he gave him the method of which to kill himself. How could he do this to Crowley! a sob escaped his throat as he cried, the fool must have drunk it. Aziraphale did the only thing he could do in this oppressive anguish. 

"I'm sorry... I'm so terribly sorry, my dear boy." 

"What for?" Aziraphale's head shot up as Crowley stood at the doorway with a blank look on his face. 

"Crowley!" Aziraphale sighed in relief, his tears still flowing and landing on his coat. He slowly stood and wiped his tears feeling an overwhelming sensation in his heart. 

Crowley was about to drink the liquid when he felt a rather angelic presence outside of his door, causing his shaking hands to let go of the glass and it shattering on the floor. Not even a second later, Crowley had warped that mess out of existence before it touched him. A small fire of hope awoke in him as he felt his home being broken into magically, only to momentarily hear sobbing? Angelic presence, his home, sobbing... Aziraphale. 

He rushed over only to see the angel on his knees whispering apologies. What happened here? He started to piece it together, the water, the shattering, the holy water, the angel must have thought that- oh no. 

Certainly, that response was unprompted. He should've said something like 'are you okay!?' or 'no no no, don't cry!' not "What for?" 'ugh so, so stupid!' Crowley thought as his exhausted state led him to believe. He suddenly felt an overjoyed, warm embrace, that led him to a state of shock.

"You've scared the grace out of me, my dear!" Aziraphale was so happy he was okay. The embrace further assured him that this wasn't some sick hallucination that his mind had come up with for the sake of comfort. Crowley was in his arms, safe from his own stupid decision. He saw the holy water was open on the table behind Crowley, his assumptions had been right. 

"Why are you he-" 

"You stupid boy! What were you thinking!" Aziraphale spike quite loudly, a huge difference from his normally soft and soothing voice. It startled Crowley, just enough to make him realize that his angel was crying on his shoulder. Of course, angel tears don't have an effect on demons but to this one particular demon, it felt like thorns, as it bled through his clothing and onto his pale skin. 

He slowly wrapped his arms around the angel... _his angel_ his mind whispered but he refused to acknowledge it except for a small blush that tinted his sharp cheekbones. He felt so whole, so complete. 

"I'm not stupid, Angel." He chuckled, it came out dry, something that he did not intend. He also didn't intend for his own tears to start streaming down his face. Aziraphale sighed contently, breathing in the lemon-scented demon before pulling away and caressing his cheek, wiping his tears, with both of his hands. 

"Do not lie to me, Crowley, _my dear_ please... what is wrong?" That was al Crowley needed to hear for so many years. Someone showing interest, someone who cared, someone like his angel, like Aziraphale.

His emotions started to spill into full-on blabbering and more crying. During this time, Aziraphale had capped the holy water and used a quick miracle to be rid of it. He had led Crowley to the couch and hugged the demon until he slept soundly in his arms. That night, everyone slept at ease, those who were fearful of tomorrow, were now comforted by the sounds of the night and the comfort of their beds. Aziraphale was half asleep himself, and he did not want to disturb the demon. He sighed, miracleing a blanket and a pillow for himself and the serpent that was currently enjoying his ap as a replacement. 

Aziraphale fluffed out the pillow and placed it beneath the head of his dear loved one and tucked him in. He will keep Crowley safe from anyone, including himself. His heart was so content and it fluttered with how happy he was to be in the living room of such a demon. He finally caved into one of his desires, things angels weren't supposed to have, and kissed the demon on his forehead. "Goodnight my love." 

And as they drifted, they thought the same final phrase. A thought so pleading yet hopeful that it erased the rest of Crowley's want to end it all and assured Aziraphale that Crowley would never pull a stunt like this again. A phrase that they knew, almost like God's existence, or the inhuman blood that ran through their veins. 'You are my love, the only one who cares about me truly... so don't shatter my heart into a million pieces.' And _she_ guaranteed that such fear would never happen until the time was right. After all, _she_ knew everything, and _she_ knew that these two would love each other as no other could love them. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys want a story on Crowley's heavenly past as Raphael, please let me know. Thank you! I hope you liked it. Leave your thoughts below! 
> 
> Edit: (Sorry about all the typos, to be honest, I'm not gonna fix them... too lazy XD)


End file.
